Re-charting My Course Forward

I had to step back on Saturday, after I heard the news about the Trump rally. I didn't know how to think about it. I knew how I felt and it wasn't good.

I worked for a while, exchanged texts with 2 friends (we were working remotely on the same project) who were just as horrified. Not just at the fact there was a shooting but the possible ramifications of that. It was useless. I was in tatters.

It was way too hot to go for a run (my usual go-to) so I had a shower, put on makeup, a dress and platform shoes and went to the local indoor-outdoor wine bar on my own.

It was very hot outside, but there were people drifting in, Goia was setting up for music, and no one seemed to be aware the world was ending - which was how I felt, in spite of the shower. I ordered a cold New Zealand Sauv Blanc, the ceviche and I ordered myself to just be where I was. Not in some future or nostalgic past, not to problem solve or plan an escape, or indulge in violent thoughts or magical thinking. Just be there, in that moment, under trees, and safe, safe, safe.  

The pieces started to coalesce and now I really wanted company. I also wanted a cigarette. (And it's been a year since I had even one!) I texted a friend whom I knew would be calm and kind and said I was feeling a bit untidy and needed a place to be. "Come over! We have red wine and we'll be making dinner. And yes, he stills smokes - he'll share. Come, come, come."  

I picked up a bottle of white (too hot for red) and 3 kinds of ice-cream first. Again, amazed that the world was just going about its business. And I joined it - shopping, exchanging a helpful word or two with strangers ("I think you'll find the coconut water over there."), waiting for the lady to validate my age so I could buy the wine. Maybe the world hadn't ended... not yet.

Back in the car I had music playing - didn't want to risk any news creeping in. Brandi Carlile was singing the first verse of 'This Time Tomorrow'.

            When the fire inside that burns so bright
            Begins to grow faded
            It can be hard to see the ground on which you stand
            Though you may not be afraid of walkin' in the darkness
            You will feel like a stranger in this land

For moment I thought I'd lie my head on the steering wheel and cry along with her words.

            You can try to carve a faith out of your own
            But a broken spirit may dry out the bone
            And the edges of the night may cause you sorrow